Forgiveness

The recurring theme that has been showing up in my life over the last month has been forgiveness.  This is virtue that I used to struggle with until I was given some amazing tools 10yrs ago.  Now, it amazes me how quickly I am to forgive and this is because I know on a very deep level that resentment and anger hurt me, not the other person.  Not only is it dangerous for my health (it causes stress on the heart) but it's hazardous to my soul. Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  When someone angers us to a point where we shut down and can't forgive this is not about the other person anymore, it's about US.  There is a past hurt that we are re-feeling and this current situation is just showing us our wound.  So we must start examing our anger instead of being the victim and focusing on what the other person did to us.  I've learned that Anger is a great teacher and it holds tremendous information and insight to our true nature.  Most people walk around reacting with anger and then waiting to cool off, never exploring the situation further or even worse suppressing their anger, being afraid of it, and never communicating what's really going on.

Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that we feel another emotion first(for me it's usually hurt or feeling not considered) but immediately switch to justified anger because that is easier to sit with than sadness, hurt, insecurity, etc.  But if we can take the opportunity, in that moment, to sit patiently with ourselves we will learn how to sooth our pain rather than throw it back on the other person.  We must stop these patterns otherwise we will continue to pass this on to our children.  Unfortunately, they don't teach exploration of the feelings and communication in schools and most parents are acting out in their relationships what they saw growing up, so the children, in turn, learn that same way of non-communicating.  A few questions to ask yourself...what model of relationship did you see growing up(it's usually our parents, but we must not place blame, just understanding of where they were coming from)?  Explore your past relationships or the one you are in now, how is it similar?  What is the recurring theme in your relationships?  What role do you play?  How would you like it to be different? etc.

So, as adults, we must take responsibility and educate ourselves.  This means learning about ourselves, why we do things, who we are and using tools to become better and ultimately, take responsibility!  Fortunately, I had a significant amount of pain in my life 10yrs ago that encouraged me to start exploring this and I feel like I was given the tools to navigate through my life and my emotional/psychological landscape, a Design for Living!  Unfortunately, for most people they don't get to experience a life altering circumstance which makes them stay in the "just existing" mode where life is "happening" to them and they contue having the same experiences with different people over and over again and utimately feeling like a victim.  What they are missing is that their soul keeps attracting this same situation because it wants to break the pattern but in order to recognize this there usually has to be a significant amount of pain.  Pain is the touchstone to all spiritual growth but it is not necessary.  You can choose to have better relationships but it's going to require facing and sitting with who you "Really Are."  This can involve seeing a therapist, commiting to a spiritual path of self-knowledge or joining a 12 Step group if you struggle with Alcohol, drugs, food or relationships.  All of these paths lead to self-discovery and ultimately self-love which then enables us to truly love unconditionally.

This will lead us to making peace with those we are angry with and making Amends where it is necesssary which will ultimately lead to not continuing this self-sabotaging.  Amends is different than an apology.  It's taking responsibility for your part and commiting to do things differently next time.  It is not about just saying I'm sorry!  I learned a great deal from my Father while he was dying a year and a half ago.  I asked him why he was so scared to die and he said because he didn't feel like he lived the way he could have.  He chose to be angry with his brother for many years and never had a chance to really mend things with him before his brother died.  He told me of a few other instances theat were almost identical to that situation, where he was always stubborn and unable to forgive.  So in the end, we are going to have to face ourselves and our actions!  Whether you believe in heaven and hell or reincarnation, at some point we will have to pay the price of our actions and eventually learn the lesson anyway....so why not now? There is no better time than the present to "Be the change you wish to see in the world" as Gandhi said.  What we want to see in others, we must become first, this is how it works. Typically if we are hard to forgive others we are hard to forgive ourselves.  It all comes down to YOU!

I know, this is not easy and surely not for the faint of heart but in the end the freedom that is experienced is indescribable.  And, you receive the gift of having the relationship you've always wanted....the one with yourself!  Not needing someone to understand you because you understand yourself.  Not needing someone to console you because you can console youself.  Not needing someone to love you because you love yourself!  This is the greatest gift of all.

Who do you need to forgive?  What conversation do you need to have?  Can you choose love and forgiveness instead of fear?  What steps are you taking to change your behaviors?


All the Love
Danielle